Daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable.

It means to show up and be seen. To ask for what you need. To talk about how you’re feeling. To have the hard conversations. – Brené Brown

Truth Coming Out of Her Well, Jean-Léon Gérôme, 1896

As adult autistic people, especially when we have received our diagnosis in already advanced adulthood, we are often torn: should we tell the NT person(s) we’re being with about our autism… or rather not?

Let me start differently.

In April, it will be two years since my official diagnosis. This was preceded by an evaluation process of several months. The official diagnosis was at the same time a revelation, because suddenly my twisted life made sense, and a shock… and there was the question: now what? Who am I without the "mask" I had trained myself for decades to wear? Who is the woman I myself hid and locked away at the very top of the ivory tower when she was still a very little girl?

Who am I? And how do I meet the world now?

This process happened and still happens through therapy (I had to kiss a few frogs before I found the prince, so to speak), the practice of mindfulness, and through art, especially in the form of intentional creativity. Every day I learn more to live with intention. Every day I get to know myself a little better, every day I learn more to accept and love myself… and life has taken such an incredible turn that I often can hardly believe it myself.

And part of this "living with intention" was, until a few days ago, being completely open about being autistic.

Albeit, in eight out of ten situations, it was a pretty negative experience. Or perhaps a very clear experience of "separating the wheat from the chaff", because those people themselves have done that and thus saved me time and work…

In group situations, things look somewhat different; no one raises a doubting voice, but the dynamics change instantly and so dramatically that this alone is enough to catapult me emotionally and sensorially into a meltdown. Especially with women, this not infrequently triggers something… Faces that until that moment were "quite normal", I mean, that it’s also clear to me, in the sense that I am accustomed to a kind of "typical mimikry", "slip", as we say quite aptly in German.

There are distinct cultural differences in the language of facial expression. Japanese, Germans, French, British, Spanish, Americans, Indians, Mexicans (and most other Latinos, with the exception of Chileans and Argentinians) – all different. I have become relatively familiar with these, so when I have to deal with Germans or perhaps Brits or Japanese again after a long time, I think something like: 'Ah, yes, that's how it was with them…’

And this typical facial expression, this typical mimikry then spontaneously gives way to something very primordial, I perceive it as "totally amazed" – and not just sometimes with an emotional component, which I can perhaps describe as "being touched”…

… and as sure as the amen in the church there will be admiration. In some form, in such group situations, people are thrilled, fascinated and full of admiration. There will be a little heart in the zoom window… a friend request in the app, including a heart and “lots of love”… and in one of the Zoom calls last week, one of the hosts said very clearly how great she thinks this is, and how much she admires me… Well, I know from this woman that she worked for 20 years in family counseling and had to deal with autistic children and adolescents. She’d already told me months ago that she thought my intentional creativity project for autistic women and girls was excellent and super important.

Still, I have to admit that I don't get it.

What’s there to be “moved” or “touched”? And why the admiration?

I don't understand it, and ... all this enthusiasm and admiration ultimately marginalizes me, for once, and in a second instance… not just few people who were at first fascinated by me and thought I was great, super intelligent, sexy and whatnot, will realize a few months later that, after all, I indeed am "too much" for them, in whatever way, and turn their backs on me.

How many times this has happened to me in my life, up to and including therapists… I don't want to think about it anymore!…

And it is infinitely and unspeakably exhausting to be perceived that way. There is something coming along, towards me… I have really no idea how to describe this, in what words to put it… People will emphasize ad nauseam that we can all be authentic here and me too, “Thanks for showing up as your true self!”…

… but most NTs don't have a clue what it would mean if I REALLY were “my true self” with them. It's not just that when I speak, I can't look the other person in the eye, or barely, that's really the case for me, because I have to focus on what I want to convey. Should the moment come that I feel safe enough, and brave enough, to be at least once a bit “my true self”, like when I am with (very) familiar people…

… then something else will resonate in the astonishment, at least several question marks, for example: ‘Huh? What’s she talking about? What does she want to say? Where is she going with this? Wow, she really has a lot to say... Whew!? That's really deep!’…

Not to mention if someone ever witnesses a meltdown or something. Then, at the latest, the "admiration" fizzles out and most people are gone again very quickly.

Back to the zoom call and the spontaneous reactions and emotions then, which finally *I* have to balance…

I am completely dead from exhaustion afterwards. Depressive mood, sleep disturbances, sudden crying attacks…

Autistic Burnout.

If I say nothing about myself and just join the conversation a little bit, I feel much better, but the burnout still happens.

Why?

Because it is always up to us autistic people to adapt to the NT dynamics in the conversation, and then we are exhausted.

All my life, this state of Autistic Burnout was my normal state, and I didn't know why. In a first therapy, I treated "mild" depression… but that didn't really help in the end. Not a day ever went by without me wondering (and judging myself!): Just what is wrong with me? I am sad and unhappy, why am I like this? Why am I such a misfit?

Today, after having met Amma and having spent almost ten years in her ashram in Kerala, South India, and then the realization of autism and these correlations that I now understand, as well as again therapeutic healing work over the past two years, practising mindfulness, and last but not least the work with art and intentional creativity, everything is different. I have "found myself," as they say, and in my case I really feel that way. I now know, and am learning more and more, what is happening in my brain and nervous system. It no longer frightens me or makes me desperate. I accept it. I accept myself.

No child in this world is wrong in any way, not physically, not mentally, not in character. This body, this physiology, this nervous system that influences our mind and psyche is given to us. No five-year-old in this world gets up in the morning wondering how he or she can best torment his or her parents. No ten-year-old either. Nor any rebellious teenager who is in a massive process of physical change and wants and needs to "find herself/himself.”

No child, no human being is wrong, in no way and form whatsoever.

This is the biggest lie that mankind came up with a few thousand years ago, and over the generations this lie has always taken on new names and new clothes, because it keeps stealing the clothes of truth, as this old story tells:

The Truth and the Lie meet one day. The Lie says to the Truth: “It’s a marvellous day today!” The Truth looks up to the skies and sighs, for the day was really beautiful.

They spend a lot of time together, ultimately arriving beside a well. The Lie tells the Truth: “The water is very nice, let’s take a bath together!” The Truth, once again suspicious, tests the water and discovers that it indeed is very nice. They undress and start bathing. Suddenly, the Lie comes out of the water, puts on the clothes of the Truth and runs away. The furious Truth comes out of the well and runs everywhere to find the Lie and to get her clothes back. The World, seeing the Truth naked, turns its gaze away, with contempt and rage.

The poor Truth returns to the well and disappears forever, hiding therein its shame. Since then, the Lie travels around the world, dressed as the Truth, satisfying the needs of society, because, the World, in any case, harbours no wish at all to meet the naked Truth.

As to the question of whether it is better to "come out" towards NTs, I have no answer. This is something that everyone has to decide for themselves, probably from situation to situation…

Take good care of yourself and "don't throw pearls to the swines," as my beloved grandma Rosa liked to say.