Intention is one of the most powerful forces there is.

What you mean when you do a thing will always determine the outcome. The law creates the world. – Brenna Yovanoff

Recently I heard someone say: "If you're constantly afraid of others judging you, it's because you're constantly judging others."

At first glance, this sounds very clever and smart and, above all, "spiritual" - but it is actually wrong, or rather too short-sighted.

Psychology has known for a long time that those who judge others harshly judge themselves even more harshly. If I myself do not reject and/or condemn an own action or peculiarity, I do not perceive at all others (possibly) doing the same.

With a little attention and patience, you can observe this process in yourself, even though it is often quite subtle. First you think something like, "Oh, I'm just going to check Instagram for five minutes..." Then, when the five minutes have become 50 minutes, this thought follows: “Whoa, I’m such a douche, now I lost an hour of sleep and wasted my time with all this crap, and what nonsense people put in there…”

And then maybe the next morning my partner says, with or without a wink, "Been on Instagram for a long time again. Didn't you want to give that up?"

And we feel caught and attacked - and condemned. Perhaps we can laugh at this now because we may be very aware of these dynamics; but many people will react rather angrily and defend and justify themselves because of the perceived attack and condemnation.

For us autistic people the whole topic is especially difficult, because we have often been criticized and condemned for things that lie in our autistic nature. Then, when we are adults, the dynamic of self-judgment comes into play, often doubly and triply amplified. And we invest all the more energy in masking and acting, in the hope that we will be accepted and no longer judged.

Do we condemn others to the same degree that we condemn ourselves and feel condemned by those around us, professionally and personally?

Sure. "How can someone be like that?!" "How can one do such a thing?!" These are thoughts that are all too familiar to me.

This inability to understand and accept that other people are fundamentally different and therefore see things differently and therefore act differently.

But this is again due to self-judgment and self-acceptance. The more I accept myself, the less I will condemn myself - and the whole tangle slowly unravels.

However, some ways of thinking and viewpoints still make me shake my head. Some actions as well, and here now another door opens.

Mindset and sense of responsibility.

The following meme I read today, in English it goes something like this:

When I tell someone about my anxiety problems and they reply, "You just need to relax and cheer up.”

Same is true for all the "spiritual" talk of "you yourself create your reality" and "you yourself judge the others" etc.

That is all quite correct and true.

However, two aspects are completely, and to the own advantage of the person talking like this, ignored: Responsibility and compassion.

We have responsibility not only in the professional context as bus drivers, managers, pilots, teachers, doctors and therapists and so on.

We also have responsibility in a private sense, and not only to children and elderly parents. To friends and partners as well.

And also as a passenger, guest or customer, we have a responsibility to the cab driver or waiter or cashier in the supermarket, for example. And also as a patient towards the doctor or physiotherapist: this is ultimately in this context the responsibility towards myself, but also towards the professional who gives me their time and knowledge and energy. I think that's what used to be called "good manners." They're no longer fashionable today, and that's one facet of the big picture of a broken society.

And compassion... Compassion is an attitude towards life, a basic attitude of character (which can be learned and developed!).

Therefore, before you ask yourself to what extent you are "to blame yourself" if and that others judge you, because you also judge the others harshly…

How do you speak to yourself? What is the tone of your inner voice? Whose voice is your inner voice? Is it your own? When was the first time you were judged for this thing you fear others still and constantly do? And by whom?

And if you see on a Sunday afternoon in the park, for example, how a father yells at his child and almost raises his hand... then you may and should very well ask yourself to what extent you are creating "your own reality" here. Sometimes a person behaves like an asshole in a very objective sense and meaning. Some actions and behaviors are simply not okay, no matter how sensorially overloaded and/or triggered I am. Yelling out annoyed by a computer job, or getting up and kicking the dog, are two very different things. The one is simply unattractive, the other is unacceptable.

Do not let yourself be fooled, no matter how "experienced" and/or "spiritual" the person who speaks in this way may seem. What you have here is irresponsibility. This irresponsibility is a main characteristic of this age of consumption and throwaway, in which a broken object is not repaired but thrown away and immediately replaced, and in which even "spirituality" has become a consumer good. And this irresponsibility leads to the kind of betrayal we see and experience everywhere these days: two people go out together regularly for a while, maybe even go to bed together - and one day one of them disappears without a word and doesn't get in touch anymore. Also in a professional context: you make a zoom appointment with someone - and then the person doesn't get in touch. There is also no answer when you ask. There is a conflict or otherwise a problem, and instead of addressing it together and talking about it and finding clarification, in other words, repair it, you just break off contact and run away.

These things are the real evils of modern society, because this all has to do with how we are set up character-wise to live our lives, to take charge of our lives. Responsibility, like condemnation, goes both ways: against others and against oneself. When you run away from a situation or person, you run away from yourself. This works, sure, even a whole lifetime. But it has its price, always. If we don't take responsibility for ourselves, our feelings, thoughts and actions, and thus our lives, we effectively hand it over, to fate, to God, the government, whether we realize it or not. Any betrayal of another person, situation, issue and/or question is always a betrayal of ourselves.

These are the cornerstones of the society in which we live, often called "the system" or "the patriarchy". Whatever we may call it, it is about the belief of having no responsibility, and with that comes the belief of having no influence and certainly no power, or agency. Both are the two sides of the same coin. We are brought up to believe in the illusion that power means having power over others.

In fact, however, it is only about power over oneself, and thus one’s life. And this power comes hand in hand with responsibility. The moment a person takes responsibility, for him-/herself, yes, all included, the moment we also have power, the power over ourselves and our lives, and that is the only power that really exists, and also the only power that is really necessary. Everything else, all other power, is only a substitute and is only sought to compensate for this inner emptiness, which comes precisely from the fact that we believe we have no power. We learn that in kindergarten. And then when we are a little bigger and scare other children, we believe that this is power and we strive for more and more of it.

This concept, this belief system, which of course manifested and developed long before modern consumerism-capitalism and also in many different regions of the earth (an acquaintance once pondered whether "the patriarchy" might not be a trauma response… we'll have to think about that here another time), is like the shepherd dog to the flock of sheep. A single shepherd dog can direct and control hundreds of sheep. And just as behind the shepherd dog there is a man who overlooks and oversees everything, who intervenes in the natural course of things, controls and manipulates it, so in this system of thought there is the figure of an omnipotent God, and he is of course male, for he "rules" everything goddess-like, everything natural and all nature.

Which brings us back to the greatest error of thought in human history: the belief that we are separate and at the mercy of “the powers that be”…