Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes.

Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation. – Rumi

To meet a phenomenon like Amma, or the phenomenon Amma, and fall in love with her in a way that no one can even begin to describe... that's one thing.

To go to her in her ashram and live there, that is an entirely different thing.

In a recent discussion, someone was upset that many people see a cult in and around Amma. How wrong that is, everyone can come and go as he or she wants, Amma would not force anyone to do anything…

Which is right. Amma does not force anyone to do anything. On the contrary, she always talks about the fact that each individual has everything within him or her to be free.

Nevertheless, if you come to the ashram, or even just go to one of the many programs Amma holds around the globe, you will find the cult right away. Even if you don't look for it, you will find every sign of it among the people around Amma: rules that must not be questioned under any circumstances; blind repetition of scriptures; rituals and ceremonies that are always the same... and people dressed in a sort of uniform way, in Indian clothing, but very much like Catholic monks and nuns, some of whom have an almost fanatical attitude when it comes to Amma, regardless of the ever-smiling mask. And you will also find those for whom rank and name and power are associated here, and of course some show this without modesty.

People are people, and you will find in the ashram in Kerala and also in any other (and there are quite a number of them in North America and Europe and Asia), as well as in any of the institutions, be it a hospital or university or school, the very typical things that you find in any human organization, from power games and intrigues to the most romantic love stories, everything is there.

But it's not about other people, and it's not about power and status and prestige, and it's not about whether the work you do in the ashram is great and important or not…

It's about something completely different, and how can or should I describe it? Every single individual who meets Amma and perhaps comes to the ashram will have something different to tell. It starts with the fact that Hindus, Catholics, Muslims, Jews, atheists and agnostics and others will put this into their very own and perhaps very different words. And in addition to that, there will be the very own personal life story in each case.

For me, these almost ten years have always been hard, yes, always. But I have also been able to experience wonderful things that perhaps one can only experience or realize when life is hard? I don't know. But I have become much, much more attentive to beauty and everything wonderful! And what I also know is that everything I have experienced here, every little detail, has been absolutely important in my journey. I was like a lump of stone from which the crust had to be chipped off to reveal the treasure chest underneath.

I had gone there with the conviction and hope that I had finally found something like a home - my home! But I had to learn very fast and very painfully that "this thing", which had always made problems for me, my whole life long, was not only not different there, but even intensified and became more and more obvious. This "thing" that makes life in a community and/or family so difficult for me, because there is a level of communication that I simply cannot comprehend. Which I now understand intellectually more and more, i.e. I can recognize it, but I do not comprehend emotionally. It has something to do with how I relate to other people, and how the majority of people do that. Well – neurotypical and neurodiverse, i.e. autistic. Just before a dear one, neurodiverse herself, took the time and trouble to explain this to me again. Once again, because over the years there have always been dear ones who saw, felt, or simply somehow figured out that I simply don't get so many things.

And so today I would not stand where I stand without all this, and for that I am grateful. Yes, deeply grateful, because regardless of the fact that I still don't get it emotionally, at least now I can understand on another level, and that makes my whole life SO much easier!! I am grateful to all the people there, those I have grown to love, and everyone else as well. Every beautiful gift, and every gift that was wrappen in anything but beautiful.

Above all, of course, I am grateful to Amma. Amma, who presents herself to the world as a small round always laughing person, and in truth is so very different and so indescribably much more, beyond all scriptures and all wisdom.