“It doesn’t show!"

"Don't listen to this diagnosis, I don't think so!" "You've overcome it just fine!" – Other people, even strangers

Shortly before Christmas I visited a dear friend for an evening together, to which also other people came, whom I did not know yet. That in itself is always a bit difficult to meet new people, but I'm also curious, and since they are friends of this good friend, I am quite open-minded and first assume that there are certain commonalities. This has worked out well so far, because she knows me well by now and has a feeling for who and with which group I harmonize or could harmonize well.

The people who also came that evening (there were only three or four) were indeed quite pleasant, and I had a very good chat with two of the women. We chatted for maybe an hour or two, the younger of the two mainly listening, and finally I felt comfortable enough to say that I am autistic.

The older woman reacted with a strange almost shock: "What? How? But you... you speak foreign languages, you are intelligent, how you understand and explain things! Well, I'm a therapist myself, Gestalt therapist, so, no, it can't be!"

She interrupted herself for a moment, stood up, and then said in a dismissive tone, "Don't listen to that diagnosis, I don't believe it!"

And for the first time, in the face of such a reaction (of which there have been countless in the not quite two years since I've had the diagnosis), I got angry. I got seriously angry.

"Oh no! Not like that! Not that! What the hell!?” I rose as well, but without going to her, who was now on her way to the patio door. She stopped and looked at me in amazement. The younger woman had also stood up and just looked at me.

“How dare you!?” I threw at the older one. To my own surprise, my voice remained calm. "How utterly disrespectful of you!"

"Well, as I just said, I'm a Gestalt therapist and..." she began, but I interrupted her, "And that's why you think you can pass judgment?!"

"Well..." she began again, "in my work as a Gestalt therapist..."

"I don't care!" I interrupted her, “That doesn’t matter!”

Now there was a moment of silence. Both looked at me, startled.

"You don't know the first thing about autism, and you have known me less than two hours! You don't have the slightest idea what's going on inside me, what my life is and was like!"

And to give an example, I began to describe what the journey to our hostess by metro and bus had been like for me. What measures I had had to take to autoregulate the sensory overload along the way, what an expenditure of energy that had meant for me - and always means.

The younger woman was dismayed. "Oh my God, so much work!" escaped her with a sympathetic expression.

The Gestalt therapist also was dismayed.

And she totally relented, "Yes, you're right!"

She lowered her head.

"Once again, I couldn't control myself and just started talking and hurt someone with my words!”

I didn't know what to say to that.

"You're right!" she said again, looking at me again. "Yes, I don't know anything about autism and certainly not about you and your life... and how exhausting it must be!"

In this moment I realized how I was reaching an inner limit. The little episode had stirred me up deeply - and explaining and describing the inner work I have to do in such situations like metro and bus, etc., had in turn cost me so much energy that I suddenly felt totally exhausted and drained.

"I'm sorry!" said the woman. "I apologize! Please accept my apology!"

I had to sit down and could only nod. I was completely emotionally exhausted. The younger woman now just smiled at me and pushed the other woman out the patio door.

Our hostess had not noticed anything of the little scene, because she was running back and forth. She kept hurrying in, smiling at us, and hurrying out again.

I was now alone at the table. And I needed that now - to sit alone.

After a while I had recovered enough to go out to join the others. The evening was drawing in, a fire was prepared in the garden.

Throughout the evening and half the night, the good woman kept coming up to me to express how sorry she was... but I just couldn't be as open again right away as I had been during our chat earlier. Also, being with the group was in itself an enormous stimulus load, so I wasn't capable of much interaction. I was, however, capable of at least returning kind words and maintaining a certain level of "It's all right!" And finally she left me alone.

But I noticed something inside me for which I had no words. I still don't have them now. The thought of this situation and this woman doesn't make me angry anymore, no, and I'm not offended at her or anything. Really not.

But I realize that I don't want any more talks and such with her either.

I don't know what it's called. But it feels right.

It is SO exhausting to have to justify yourself (all the time) - and then also have to go through the emotional labor of someone who then feels like crap and almost begs for forgiveness! And I'm not just exhausted and depleted, I'm tired of it, I'm really sick of it!!! Yes, I am full of compassion, it's not something I can just turn off.

But I can't do it anymore.

And I am a highly empathetic person. Extremely empathic, is what my therapist called it last time, and without me even being aware of it, I invite people to open up and unload.

How she hits the nail on the head with that!!! Even with therapists this has happened more than once, and about my childhood and some adults back then I do not even want to start.

And I don't want to anymore.

And I don't have to anymore. Nobody has to, and we don't have to feel bad or even guilty about it.