Self-confidence is like a booster rocket. One should not compare oneself with others ...

... and develop an inferiority complex. Even people who are considered to be very strong, in certain circumstances they, can lose their self-confidence. – Amma

Another topic that concerns many autistic people: social interaction with all its unwritten and coded rules, its meanings and its ambiguities. Conversations about politics and the weather are never about politics and the weather per se, sexual gusto is not just about lust and reproduction either (very few people actually think about the latter, I think, incredibly enough), and when someone smiles in a friendly way, it can mean a thousand different things, and friendship, affection, and goodwill are not part of it. Not to mention the ting with the eye contact!

For many of us it doesn’t even occur to us to doubt what has been said, for any reason and/or in any way. It has always made me speechless when others (the adults) later, about such social conversations, whether on a large scale or also in a small one, have then talked once again and "clarified things", i.e. deciphered - what this or that person really meant, or must have meant (now, as I reflect on moments of this kind, I realize that this is also rather unusual, if not downright strange… but I think I'm starting to be able to identify the other autistic people in my family anyway!…). When I was still a child and teenager, I found this deeply repulsive and disgusting and vowed never to become like that.

Now, that’s probably very noble and integre - yet, socialization with other people is not only determined by what we say, how we present ourselves and behave... we are also perceived and interpreted for our part by filters - and "deciphered", at least the others will attempt that. And this is something we not only have no influence over, we are, I dare to say, often not even remotely aware of it. We think we are straightforward and clear with words, and for us that takes the issue off the table, for example. The matter is settled. All is well.

But not for, say, the jealous husband. Or the envious colleague. Or the insecure intern. Or our partner who has to deal with heavy issues herself…

If you’re interested in spirituality, personal development and/or healing, you’ll surely know that one of the first and also most important messages is: don't worry about what others think/say!

To a certain extent, of course, this is right and important.

But it can also be very toxic if you carelessly "rest" on it, so to speak, and don't care (anymore) that you might be hurting others, and not just people who are important to you, who are close to you.

Many autistic people, however, tend to question social situations too much - and perhaps, like me, immediately blame themselves for any difficulties or the whole disaster, and possibly only ourselves.

This is of course also very toxic, because it is self-destructive. And all too often, in fact, there’s simply nothing we can do about it. If another person decides to see a threat in our friendship with their life partner because we typically autistically express and show our affection…

If another person reads ambiguity into our words, which are clear and conclusive to us…

When another person judges and condemns us because we may not look them in the eye as is customary and/or expected…

And if such another person then acts based on very own personal assumptions and presumptions…

… then there is simply nothing more that could be done. No matter whether as a completely misunderstood and misinterpreted autistic person or as a perhaps no less completely misunderstood and misinterpreted neurotypical person. The latter simply understands certain unwritten and never spoken rules better.

The famous "Four Agreements" by Miguel Ruiz are probably familiar to many readers. And the third agreement in particular, not to make assumptions, seems to me to be one of the best strategies of all, which can indeed be life-changing. And as autistic people, if we are in an environment that knows about our autism, may we not expect to be accommodated in this way?

No, I had to learn. Only people who love us and enjoy our company will do that, and those people will do it on their own account. Just like that.

Others will not even think of it. Rather, if we belong to that group of autistic people who can express themselves well and move fairly well in society, they will continuously look at us, from uncomprehendingly to suspiciously, and wonder what we have in mind, why we do or do not do this or that, say or do not say this or that.…

And do you know why, dear reader?

Because people can't do otherwise, just as we cannot either. It is beyond the imagination of many if not most people that another person be so completely different.

Perhaps an example will help.

Imagine that a doctor from, let's say, Egypt has been living in your home village somewhere in England for many years, perhaps since you were a child. For decades, the whole village has been going to him, he is married to a local woman, goes to church on Sunday like everyone else, even masters the specific local tone and accent! And then he eats the fish and chips with knife and fork.

Without our being able to control it, our first spontaneous emotional reaction is at least a stunned amazement, "Huh!?!! What is he doing!!!" Perhaps this is followed by a thought like, "What? He's lived in England for 30 years and doesn't know how to eat fish and chips properly?"

And so I’m wondering if neurotypicals sometimes don't feel the same way about and with us autistic people when we (can) move quite normally in a society in general and "at first sight" - and then maybe the eye contact thing stands out. We don't look at someone. And the person feels offended. Or we look at someone too directly - and their husband feels attacked.

It's a bit like squaring the circle. So many autistic people mask these very things, for this very reason - and yet all too often we stand out as "weird".

The only "solution" is ourselves, lies within ourselves. Because the more I not only "find myself" in recent years, but also come to terms with what I find, come into balance, and can accept it lovingly and compassionately and with loving-kindness, the more I learn to accept and love myself, the less these things touch me. Self-love is like the protective film a duck has so that water rolls off it. I especially like the picture of the duck: this animal lives on the water, it needs the water to find food and builds its nest by the water. Nevertheless, it is equipped with this protective film so that the water cannot wet its feathers which would cause it to freeze to death or drown. And more and more importantly, being able to accept and love myself gives me strength and motivates and inspires me.

Because falsehood, lies, dazzling and deception are omnipresent in the world of people, no matter where we look, whether it is the social media of the present time, or royal courts of the past... people live in a huge but mostly unconscious and indefinable fear, and out of this fear they are capable of all sorts of things. Perhaps we just need to learn and constantly practice to be aware of our expectations and to balance them in order to face the world of people without freezing to death or drowning in it.

Because one thing we have to understand and also can't help but accept: people prefer to live in their own world, their own construct, their own dream. Often this overlaps with the "general dream", or in certain aspects; and in certain other aspects this can be so different already from the person in the same household and/or with the same family history that it can really leave one speechless. Many who have siblings may have already noticed this fact.

So sometimes we are simply "the villain" in another person's story, and even if we wonder for the rest of our lives what exactly we have actually done wrong, and keep finding out: nothing. In fact, nothing! We can't change it. And we don't have to. Our life is not about the story or stories that others write, in which we may appear.

Our life is about the story we write.