The world is a looking glass ...

... and gives back to every one the reflection of her own face. - William Makepeace Thackeray

When at the end of 2002 I had had to go back to the employment office, I again added temporary employment agencies to my pool, and again quickly found a new job. This time it was a small Munich company that first sent me to one customer for a month, then to another, and then there was nothing again. When I was told about a third customer, Linde Gas, the lady advised me not to tell anyone about my language skills and my degree. I had to promise her.

I promised, hid it - and got the job. Team assistant again. But again I was lucky. It was an interesting project, with an always correct and respectful boss and a colleague, Andreas, also a team assistant, whom I quickly became very fond of.

Every morning I rode my mountain bike into work, and then in the evening I rode along the Isar River into the single trails. The project was housed on its own floor, and there were up to 20 men in each of the individual larger offices. On the floor, on my project team, there were around 60 men - and I was the only female on the whole floor.

Most of these people were on the project with another form of contract work, including my boss. A Linde manager came by only occasionally.

I started going to work really early, preferably before everyone was there, so I could change in peace in the restroom. Because when I came up the stairs in my bike gear and past the first big room full of men who stank of sweat and hacked away at their computers, I got a funny feeling after a while. I told Andreas that once. He immediately interrupted his work and looked at me very seriously.

"My dear!" he then said. "These guys are away from their wives all week! And then they see you, young and pretty –“

“Whaaaaaat?”

He laughed mischievously, "Yes!!! It is so, take it when I tell you!"

"Hmm!" went I.

“… and then you also come with your bike, and wear cycling clothes!" Andreas continued to talk and then just looked at me.

I also looked at him and waited for him to say more. But he did so only after a little while, and he made a very serious face.

"Be careful!" he said. "Make sure you're not alone in the office in the evening!"

"Our office??" I asked, completely thrown off guard.

Andreas just nodded.

"Just watch out!"

Some time later I understood what he meant. I had stayed a little longer one evening after all. Andreas was already gone, and many others too. I packed up my things and went to the bathroom to change, now into the cycling clothes. When I came back to my office, one of the men from the opposite office was standing there.

I was startled, but managed to pull myself together.

"Ah..." he made with a strange look. "Going home now?"

"Yes!" was all I said, and I went quickly and as if nothing at all to my desk to take my backpack. I did not look at him, but I felt that he was undressing me with his eyes.

"And..." he began in that typically Bavarian drawling tone, "do you have a boyfriend?"

"Yes," I immediately exclaimed, "and he's already waiting for me because we're going biking now!"

I took my gloves and helmet and walked straight past him.

"I was hoping that maybe we could have a beer..."

Without responding, I just quickly walked out and hurried over to the stairways and down and out of the building over to the bike parking lot.

The next day, I arrived even earlier than usual and just about sneaked upstairs to the restroom (the ladies' room was right next to the stairway). On the way to my office, however, I had to pass this guy's, and he was already there.

"Ah..." he made from his seat and then said loudly and audibly annoyed, "The young lady who doesn't need to say goodbye!"

I ignored him and went to my office. When Andreas came, I told him everything.

"I told you!"

"Yes, you did!" now I was getting angry too. "But... so... Listen! This can't be it! What the fuck?!"

"Men are pigs!" said Andreas, and his grin was only half a grin. "Watch it, I’m telling you!"

I could hardly believe we were having this conversation!

"We'll go home together for a while now!" Andreas then said. "That'll discourage him!"

He was right. For some time we always left the office together and the greasy guy did not approach me again.

Around the same time, I met a businesswoman and entrepreneur through one of my job networks. She was 20 years older than me, the same age I am today, mid-50's. And for some reason, she took a liking to me and started courting me in a certain way. Strictly professionally, of course!!…

I was fascinated and enraptured by her. She told me over lunch that she and her husband (!) had separate rooms and practically each did their own thing. And not only that. She also had a term of endearment for me... and called me pretty and attractive…

It was clear to me what I was dealing with, and I also knew here now that the lady was flirting with me, the pet name was abundantly clear. Even the autistic klutz that I am will notice it then.

Well, however, fact is that I have until today not the slightest idea how to properly hit on someone. At some point I thought: It's now or never! And I made a colossal mistake with my way. The lady has given me a hefty rebuff, whether I had lost my mind…

I didn’t understand anything at all anymore. What had I done wrong?

Looking back, I understand that my way of hitting on her was definitely too crass.

But she also played with me.

People are pigs.

And here I am, 20 years later, doing therapy to heal my heart, because I still want to be with people, and my therapist not only does EMDR with me, she also teaches me how to do that, be with people, and with myself.

Wonderful and kind and good and honest people do exist. I already know a few of them now.