There is no challenge you cannot meet, ...

... and that includes the present one. What is happening now is part of a larger process leading to your own self-realization. Please believe me, and sleep well in the truth of that. Your soul will rejoice again - more than it ever did before. – Neale Donald Walsch

This Korean series about an autistic lawyer was recently recommended to me, and today I started it. But already after the first half hour I had to take a break… in the face of the malice and ridicule of the young lawyer's colleagues.

And their envy. There is envy involved, as I realized during this viewing break.

Envy is a feeling that is largely foreign to me. At least in the form in which it often or mostly expresses itself socially, namely that one inflicts or would like to inflict harm on the person one envies.

That's something I can't understand.

I can understand the feeling itself. I think. I also envy anyone who can afford a nice farm with horses and fruit trees!… But that only means that I find it beautiful and great and would also like to have something like that… that's as far as it goes for me. I would not "hate" the person because of that either. On the contrary, many people with whom I have made friends or even just acquaintances in the course of my life had material things that I also liked, and so we enjoyed these things together.

Closely related to envy is jealousy, and here I am really not quite sure whether I really know this feeling. Know it, and, and I think this is important: understand it.

If, for example, my mother preferred my sister to me, that only triggered a withdrawal impulse in me. Maybe something similar to disappointment. And so, of course, I was sad. If Grandma Gretl gave me chocolate but not my sister, I didn't understand why my sister was mean to me then. But when she asked me to give her something, too, I freely shared without thinking. The chocolate, that is. My toys never!

And when, later in life, a person I would have liked to have for myself chose someone else, it hurt me, but I withdrew into myself, taking that person with me, so to speak. At some point, in my loneliness and infinite sadness, I started chasing after people. "To fight for them"… with which, of course, you only hurt yourself, because that's basically nothing more than a kind of "self-injurious behavior by proxy", as I understand now.

In short, this piercing envy, this raging jealousy that drives people to war or turns them into murderers…

… this feeling I do not know.

And I don't recognize it in others either.

This can have fatal consequences, as I had to experience again and again in my life, and I am only now beginning to maybe understand these experiences. What makes things worse, is that I also have no idea of flirting. That is, if the situation would allow and permit and downright approve of flirting, it is likely that I would not be able to move or articulate myself. However, if I am in an environment and company where I am relaxed and feel safe, I may exhibit very flirty behavior.

I THINK so, I ASSUME it, but I don't know for sure, because I haven't received any corresponding clearly formulated feedback in words yet. By pure analytics of the disasters in my life, especially in the last few years, I come to the conclusion that this probability is very high.

Similarly, perhaps, to lawyer Woo who is downright cute in a way - and the next moment, without another word, she simply gets up and walks out the door.

To give an example.

I have reached the point now where, when I meet new people and there is enough sympathy that it is clear that we might want to get to know each other further and exchange ideas, I quite soon put my cards on the table, so to speak. In the hope to be able to avoid the typical difficulties in communication.

But unfortunately, it's not that simple. And why not? Because, while we autistic people perform high performance cerebral gymnastics like a Simone Biles, most people, I'm sorry to say, are ignorant and think only of themselves and their own benefit (or harm!).

https://www.netflix.com/us-es/title/81518991