Where there is great love, there are always miracles. – Willa Cather

Over a month I now was in India again, four weeks of it in the Ashram, and it was long and also really hard weeks. Everything that I have understood so clearly about myself in the last two years has made my stay here a physical torture, from allergic reactions of the skin and respiratory tract to the humid and extremely impure air (the climate itself, and in addition the special location of the ashram, which is also quite challenging for locals from other regions of Kerala), to a sensory overload around the clock. Every day.

One thing is, you really are surrounded by people all the time. Even if you close the door to your room, there's a neighbor a few doors down... there's always people walking by downstairs....

Life takes place in community, of course. Meals and other activities are designed for the community, and that's really very exhausting for me, because this thing with the "social codes" and rules and stuff... I can do it alright, to some extent, and for a while. I can "play along” alright. To some extent. Because it costs me every time again SO much energy and strength, again something to classify… "What does he mean now?" "Is this just neurotypical friendly and nothing more? Or does this slightly deeper small conversation mean that proper immersion is possible and allowed?" The latter has often proven particularly challenging in the ashram, because I naturally assumed that EVERYONE here is interested in deep spiritual and philosophical conversations, and is as totally into it as I am!

How wrong I was about that!!…

Many of the "mental cheat-sheets" that I had been creating all my life, completely unconsciously, no longer worked so easily, except with the Japanese Ashramites, and most Americans as well. But many people who com to an ashram for more than a short visit, if not most, bring issues and topics with them... unfortunately, I also have to say that there are many Westerners who think that "good manners" don’t apply outside their own country, and by that I am referring to such simple things as clothing and manners…

In short, it was mostly socially challenging all those years. The physical challenges I just ignored. I've always tried to retreat as much as possible, but that doesn't always work. That was the case again this time. In many ways, if you want to see Amma and want her hug, you have to grit your teeth and say to yourself, 'Close your eyes and go for it.'

On top of all this, there is the typical Indian noise, from road noise and practically constant honking to people shouting all the time for some reason... In no other country in the world have I experienced such a constant honking of horns and people somehow always shouting around. When a truck pulls into a driveway, there are three to five men standing around yelling. If a woman needs something from a neighbor, she yells. If someone comes from the left and sees someone from the right who may have been gone for a while, they shout happily even five meters away. Amma does the same, sometimes grabbing the microphone and shouting into it, and everyone flinches and then laughs. I'm really not someone who has a delicate voice, and I can also get loud (and that is then recorded as negative! Here as everywhere else!), but the general tone here is a hectic shouting.

Hectic is a main characteristic of the Indians, eveywhere. This makes me almost insane, of course, I am also rather a nervous type...!

What I take with me as I say goodbye is this: Love everyone, trust few, rely on no one.

And before we say such big things like, "I love you!" to another, we must think very carefully about what we are saying. What do I mean when I say this? To whom can I say this, when and also under what circumstances? I have learned that there are people who fix you with their gaze and throw a fervent, "I love you!" at you - but it feels more like a loaded gun on your chest. This is just about one thing: manipulation, and when you don't really know all that well yourself what love is, manipulation can all too often feel like it.

And often both persons are victims in this game, because the manipulator often doesn't know any different, often doesn't know any better. But he or she can also be a skilled narcissist... often one is smarter only afterwards. And this is by far not only true for couple relationships!

I have learned that there are countless ways to say "I love you", especially with other words. I have learned that "I love you!" all too often is not what we think it needs to be or should be, yet it is not worth any less.

I have learned that this thing about trust really is worth thinking about, without immediately raising up all my walls again, but simply... because we are all different! Living different lives, having different values... Trust must be given time to grow and prove itself.

I have learned that I am given a lot of love from many sides in many ways - and that I am allowed and now able to accept this.

It's beautiful.

Aum Amriteshvariye namaha.