You own the entire universe. Throw away your begging bowl ...

... and look for the treasure hidden within you. — Amma

Lately I have been thinking about the topics of jealousy, envy and resentment a lot… and the wounds that have been afflicted on me from them.

Recently I came across the following text:

Envy

The envious person is an unsatisfied person who is often unaware that he is.

That is why he secretly feels a lot of resentment against people who possess something (beauty, money, sex, success, power, freedom, love, personality, experience, happiness...) that he also desires but cannot or does not want to develop.

Thus, instead of accepting his shortcomings or realizing his desires, the envious person simply hates and would like to "destroy" every person who, like a mirror, reminds him of his deprivation.

Envy is thus the avenging rage of those who, instead of fighting for their desires, prefer to eliminate the competition.

That is why envy is a typical defense of the weakling in any sense.

And like the dirty rats they are, they do everything in the shadows and on the sly.

Because the envious are also cowards.

One has to watch out for envious people. They don't want what you have. They just don't want you to have it.

(Der Originaltext ist hier zu finden: https://www.elespanol.com/blog_del_suscriptor/opinion/20180504/envidia/304789522_7.html)

This definition hits the nail on the head. In the last two episodes of the series about advocate Woo, this topic is also taken up again, this time it's a superior who visibly has burning envy and fierce hatred towards her because of it. He likes to yell at her and put her down for any reason, even in front of clients and the firm's director.

This has triggered a lot in me. How often in life have I had to experience something like this, the Latin teacher in secondary school was not the first… and also not the last for a long time.

But this time the question really forced itself upon me: What in God's name did these people see and/or perceive in me?

My therapist talks about it all the time. Every time. Recently, she said with a smile that she would keep telling me that (how brilliant I was) until I believed it.

Others see it too. Grandma Rosa saw it. My art teachers, a religion teacher, again and again people who meant well…

Except me.

And because I don't see it, of course enemies and envious people have an easy game.

I mean, I know I'm not a bad person, I know I'm smart, and I have character and integrity. These are qualities that have the very highest value for me, so I have strived all my life to develop them.

And well, I have a talent for a few things. But there are others who have that too and/or are ten times better.

And well, I have seen and experienced a little bit in life. But there are other people who have that too.

More than once in my life I have been told to (no longer) hide my light and/or to never lose that sparkle…

My therapist talks of charisma, and she's not the first here either.

But I do not see it.

I don't see it... or I don't want to see it?

Already as a little girl I loved the saga of the Lord of the Rings very much; and already back then I identified most with the character of Aragorn: the son of kings who wanders the land as a lonely ranger because he does not know his legacy first…

… and then does not dare to accept or claim it.

It is difficult for me to write these lines. There's a little voice in my head that says things like: "How arrogant and pretentious are you? You can't write something like that about yourself and then publish it! People will find you stuck-up and reject you!"

Ah!... Here we have the name of the demon: fear of rejection!

And for how many people, especially women and girls, this is true! Out of sheer fear of rejection, we bend ourselves and hide our light, just so that no one may go blind. Especially male contemporaries.

Amma also speaks of the need for women to recognize themselves again and step out of the shadows.

Perhaps someone still remembers Natascha Kampusch? The victim who refused to play the victim role - and therefore many did not believe her story.

There is a fine line between playing the victim role and acknowledging that you are or were actually a victim. The latter is necessary to treat and heal the wounds.

The former... is (also!) hiding one's light. And here we are in the realm of constant self-criticism. Self-justification.

And envy. Even if only in a mild and/or unclear form.

These are emotions that everyone is familiar with, and that can quickly, and without one realizing it, lead to an envious and begrudging and resentful attitude towards life, and thus to narcissism and supremacism. This is also often confused with modesty and humility, and it is found in many disguises and all modern (and past) cultures, and all the -isms and -phobias that exist in the world are rooted in it.

But what happens when we let our light shine? When we have the courage to step out of the shadows and show ourselves in all our glory?

We become vulnerable.

Is vulnerable the same as attackable?

I maintain: no. It is the opposite. Only he who has something to hide is attackable. He who no longer hides anything, who shows himself in his imperfect perfection, that is, his vulnerability, is no longer attackable.

And the moment we stand by ourselves, in all our glory, there is no more running away and no more hiding, and no more abdicating responsibility. No one else is responsible anymore for our lives, and for us. And with that, we are then also completely and utterly occupied and would have no time at all to be envious of others, let alone to concoct begrudging plans to harm the or another person in some way.

I think very few people dare to do that and live that way.